New Zealand

Well, it is official. Last night Sam booked two tickets to New Zealand. I must admit I am a bit sick to my stomach as I write this, and was crying last night. Trying to pin point my emotions it difficult. I have never been very good at discerning what exactly I am feeling and why I am feeling it. Let me try to hash this out for you.

Sam's brother Dan and his wife Abby and their little girl Lucy live in New Zealand. Sam loves New Zealand (or so he thinks, having never actually been there, hence the desire to go there). So he decided when he heard they would be living there for two years that we would go and visit them sometime during their time there. They are now in their second year. The cheapest time to go is our Spring/Summer, which is their Fall/Winter. And apparently their Winter is very cold and windy and wet, so you don't really want to go then. Which leaves us with Fall. Which means we are going in May. Sam found a deal that involved flying in the month of May, and included a stop in Fiji, and then three stops within New Zealand. Dan and Abby live on the North Island, which is beautiful, but apparently you don't want to go to New Zealand without seeing the South Island. So we will fly into the South Island, sight see for a couple of days, then make our way up to the North Island, spend some time with Dan and Abby, and fly out of the North Island. Sam is so excited about it. It has all come together -- the perfect deal which enables us to stop in Fiji and see everything in New Zealand he wants to see. He has been saving his PTO for over a year, using days very carefully, so that he would be able to take this trip. We have put aside money. Sam has been working on the itinerary for over a year. And now we have tickets. We will leave Utah on May 3rd, and return to Utah on May 15th. Sounds like a great trip, right? So why the sadness, stress, and anxiety?

Well, for those of you who don't know (although I can't imagine anyone that is reading this who doesn't know), we have three young children. And they aren't going with us. I tried to convince Sam that we should at least take Reagan, but apparently international flights don't allow infants to travel for free, so it would have cost a portion of a normal ticket price, I think around $600. And Sam reminded me that I am always saying how nice it would be for just the two of us to go on a trip. And I do always say that. But I had more like a nice weekend trip in mind -- not a two week trip. I wish I could say that I am just so sad to be away from the kids for that long. And I am sure that is part of it. That is a LONG time to be away from the kids -- I can't even imagine it. I am thrilled if I get a couple of hours away from them. A day would be nice. But 13 days? Strange, to say the least. But I am feeling a lot of guilt about all of this. Our plan involves driving to Utah and depositing the children there. We have a lot of family in Utah, and our hope is that between all of them, the kids will be able to spend a couple of days here and there, and no one person will be stuck with them for too long.

But will that be hard on the kids? I think Ellery and Bennett are old enough that they will really like the idea of having a couple of sleep overs with Grandpa and Grandma Allen, and then a couple with Brighton and Chelsea, and then a couple with Max and Ellie and Hunter, and then a couple with Grammie and Grandpa, and then a couple with Aunt Jo and Adam, and then a couple with Caleb and the girls, and then a couple with Aunt Caroline. I am telling myself that the kids won't mind the bouncing around, and that our sweet family will be able to stand having our kids for two days. But I worry about Reagan. She really is the best-natured, easiest going baby around. If any baby could handle sleeping at a new place every couple of days for two weeks, she could. But I'm not convinced any baby could do that. Some people seem to think that asking people to watch all three of the kids is a lot to ask, and I understand that. But we only have so much family, so if we separate the kids, then they will have Elle and Bennett a couple of days, and then Reagan a couple of other days. I guess I feel like if they have all three of the kids, those will be two crazy days, but then it will only be two days. Anyone can do anything for two days, right? I don't think separating Ellery and Bennett is an option. Bennett doesn't do great with change, and he will need Ellery as his constant. And honestly, I think he needs Reagan too. Even though she doesn't particularly enjoy the fact that he has no regard for her personal space, he gets sad when someone else at Church holds Reagan ("Mom, I want my baby back.") I don't know how he would do without Reagan for a couple of weeks. Ugh. But leaving them here and getting a couple to watch them isn't really an option either. I think the only way I will feel okay with leaving them is if they are with family. So we are back to taking them to Utah. And back to square one, trying to figure out the best way to work this whole thing. Any suggestions?